


I Wasn't Quite Honest With Myself

by Rin_the_Shadow



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: AU to episode 7, Alternate Continuity, Angst, Anxiety, Bisexual Female Character, But actually maybe they can, Dealing with the pesky implications of that, Depression, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Girls Can't Love Girls, Hitomi Shizuki probably also needs a hug, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Maybe - Freeform, Not sure how this crack ship became an OTP for me, Sayaka Miki Needs a Hug, Self-Hatred, Soul Gems, Working Past Internalized Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 12:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15995324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rin_the_Shadow/pseuds/Rin_the_Shadow
Summary: Hitomi Shizuki loved Kyousuke Kagami. Sayaka Miki loved him, too. Out of respect for Sayaka, Hitomi gave her twenty-four hours to confess, or else she would do so herself. The next morning, Sayaka didn't come to school.Hitomi Shizuki comes to the realization that, for all she wanted Sayaka to face her true feelings, she hadn't been honest in doing so herself, and decides to fix her mistake before it's too late. She hadn't realized that there were so many other things going on in the background. Alternate continuity starting in episode 7.





	I Wasn't Quite Honest With Myself

She didn’t show up at school the next morning. Well, she supposed she should have expected that, what with how she talked to her yesterday. As if she had any right to go around giving ultimatums. It would have been better to have _asked_ her if it was okay, if she claimed it was out of respect for her friendship with him.

Another part of her wanted to argue that she could like whoever she liked, and she didn’t need to ask anyone’s permission to date who she wanted. As long as the person reciprocated her, there was nothing wrong with it, right?

But then…that wasn’t really the issue either, was it?

Hitomi sighed, leaning into her hand to disguise a glance at the clock on the wall. Only fifteen minutes left in the period, and then she would take care of this.

Now, if only the seconds would quit dragging themselves out. Perhaps she could excuse herself to go to the nurse’s office, and then take a little detour? Madoka being the nurse’s aide for their class, she would understand it. But then, she wasn’t sure if she was ready to involve Madoka in this just yet. She wasn’t even sure if she had sorted this out enough to tell _anyone_. The only reason she was involving Sayaka was…well, because yesterday she’d already involved her, and she couldn’t go back on that now. The longer she left it, the more likely she would just make things even worse for her.

Why wouldn’t the clock quit slowing itself down?

* * *

Over the lunch hour, Hitomi excused herself from eating with Madoka, stating that she needed to make a phone call. She took a breath as she scrolled down to Sayaka’s number. The grinning face staring back on her profile image almost made her want to hang up before she’d even hit send. The picture really didn’t match the way things were right now.  _Whose fault is that?_ she started to think.  _No_ , she reminded herself. She was going to take care of it.

 _Inhale, exhale, Send Call_.

The phone rang once, twice…She didn’t really expect her to pick up, but a part of her still hoped she would. She listened to the voicemail message, barely hearing the words, and then there was a _beep_.

And just like that, her heart started thumping and her throat closed up. _Don’t hang up_ , _don’t hang up_ , she scolded herself.

“Hello, Sayaka? I know you probably don’t want to hear from me right now, but…I wanted to talk to you about yesterday. I wasn’t really being honest with myself, and I said some things that weren’t really fair to you…or to Kyousuke. It’s not really the sort of thing you mention over the phone, but I would like to talk to you about what I said.” She swallowed, feeling her hands shake. “I’ll be at Sumi’s Corner around seven tonight. I’d like you to hear what I have to say, but if you don’t want to, I’ll respect your decision. But…I hope you’ll be okay, Sayaka.”

 _End call_. That was that. The ball was in Sayaka’s court now, and she would find out what she was going to do with that tonight. Now if only the clock would be on her side for the rest of today…

* * *

 

She had said seven, but Hitomi was at Sumi’s long before that point. She had thought perhaps she would take some time to prepare, but then, she wasn’t even sure what it was she would say. She had only just begun to piece it together herself. She had picked Sumi’s because it was a quiet little place, and the owners were very lax about customers lingering. She ordered some tea anyway, just to have the cup to occupy her hands for a bit.

At ten after seven, Sayaka had not arrived. Maybe she hadn’t heard the message. If she was really upset, she might have deleted it when she saw who had sent it. But she’d known her for so much longer than that. She had to believe that Sayaka would hold onto _some_ part of that.

Almost a half hour later, Hitomi was ready to give up. If she hadn’t arrived at this point, she had probably decided she didn’t want to talk to her. Maybe she would try again in a few days, give her some time to process everything.

But just as she was about to stand up, the bell chimed as Sayaka walked in, looking more exhausted than Hitomi could ever remember seeing her. Her relief was quickly replaced with new concerns. She waved her over and went to order something she could eat.

When she sat down across from Sayaka, she wasn’t looking at her, instead staring almost listlessly off. “Are you all right?” she asked before she could stop herself. Of course she wasn’t.

Sayaka only shrugged. “Don’t worry about it.” She sounded half-dead. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

Ah, yes. There was that part. _Inhale, exhale_. “I didn’t confess to Kyosuke today.”

Sayaka didn’t respond except for a minute shrug of one shoulder.

Hitomi reached for her empty cup and continued. “I didn’t confess because…it wouldn’t have been right for me to do so. I wasn’t completely honest with what I told you yesterday, even though I thought I was. When I told you I loved Kyousuke…I really thought that was the truth. But when you didn’t come to school today, I started to realize something.”

She paused, fixing a stray hair. “No, I think I knew it before that. But a part of me didn’t really understand it, and so I tried to convince myself it was something else. When I said I loved Kyousuke…I think what I was noticing was that he was always _with you_.”

“Sorry,” Sayaka interrupted. “If you were feeling guilty about that, it’s fine now.”

Hitomi blinked. “What?”

“It’s fine.” Sayaka moved to stand up. “It doesn’t matter to me anymore. You can have him.”

“Wait!” Hitomi’s hand shot across the table and grabbed her wrist before she could leave. “What I mean is that…everything I loved about Kyousuke…I’ve realized…it was because it was _you_. Because he was  _with you_. With you absent today, it wasn’t the same anymore, and I realized that Kyousuke…was never really part of it at all.”

Sayaka’s head tilted slightly, as if she didn’t understand what she was saying. Hitomi could feel her face heating up. If she pulled her wrist away, if she still wanted to leave, there wouldn’t be anything she could do to stop her. But out of the corner of her eye, she saw a waitress arriving with her food. “Please stay,” she swallowed, her throat dry. “Since I made you come all this way, at least let me get you something to eat.”

As she spoke, Sayaka noticed the waitress. “You’re saying that like you haven’t already ordered it.” She felt a short burst of relief as she saw the small smile playing at the edge of her lip. “What would you have done if I’d said no?” 

* * *

 

After the first bite, Sayaka had mostly moved the noodles around in the bowl. Hitomi opted not to comment until she spoke again. “So, when you’re saying Kyousuke wasn’t part of anything, and it was really about me, what do you mean by that?”

Hitomi started to answer, but Sayaka continued. “You can’t mean that you like me. Girls can’t love girls, remember? So I don’t really get it when you say it was me.”

Ah. That. She’d regretted those remarks several times since making them. But then, if she’d understood her feelings better that day, she wouldn’t have said it in the first place. “I guess…things like that are part of what I meant when I said I wasn’t being honest. The way I saw it, girls liked boys and boys liked girls. That was the way things were. So, when I started to have feelings that didn’t match, it was confusing to me. But you’re right. I shouldn’t have said that.” She moved to place her hand over Sayaka’s, quickly suppressing a flash of dismay as the other girl flinched away. She placed her hand on her cup instead. “I’m ready to face my true feelings now, Sayaka. I like you…” Her heart was thumping so loud she was sure everyone could hear it. “I like you…as more than a friend.”

A myriad of emotions flickered across her friend’s face, first surprise, then confusion, then flattery, pleasure, and pain. “No you don’t,” she finally replied, hiding her face under her bangs.

Hitomi felt a flash of annoyance. “I don’t think you get to decide that,” she said. “You don’t have to return my feelings. But you can’t say I don’t feel them.”

“No,” Sayaka insisted. “I’m not. You might have loved a girl named Sayaka Miki, but not me. It’s nothing wrong with you. It’s…complicated.” She curled in on herself. “I can’t love anyone anymore.”

All kinds of warning signs flashed through Hitomi’s head. “What do you mean?” Had something happened to her after they had parted ways yesterday? “Can you talk to me about it?”

Another shrug. “I don’t know. It’s stupid.”

“I can be fine with that. Haven’t I talked to you about plenty of stupid things before?”

When she received no response, she continued. “If you don’t want to talk about it here, we can go somewhere with fewer people.”

Sayaka didn’t answer, but her fingers began working the sleeve of her blouse. Her teeth went to work at chewing the inside of her lip.

“How about this. I’ll go and get a cup to put the rest of your soup in, and then we can walk across the street to the park. Nobody’s ever around there right now, so you won’t have to worry about anyone overhearing you. If you don’t want to talk about it when we get there, then you can leave, and I won’t pressure you about it anymore.” She held out a hand. “Deal?”

For a moment, she thought Sayaka might reject the offer. She stared at her hand like she didn't know what to do with it. But then, she reached out her hand and took Hitomi’s. “Okay.”

* * *

 

They were silent for most of the walk over. Sayaka remained curled in on herself, tensing up whenever someone passed too close. Hitomi found a bench that was somewhat shielded by the surrounding bushes and trees and sat down, motioning for Sayaka to do the same.

“Okay, so why is it you think I can’t love you, and why can’t you love anyone anymore?” _Did something happen to you?_ she barely stopped herself from asking.

Sayaka sighed, looking up at the darkening sky and then closing her eyes.

“Of course, you can say no if you don’t want to tell—”

“No. Just give me a minute.” She took a deep breath and let it out. “It’s not easy to talk about if you don’t already know about it.”

Hitomi nodded, leaning back to look at the sky herself. Whatever had happened, Sayaka didn’t need to feel pressured right now.

After a few moments, she started speaking. Softly, so much that when she started, Hitomi almost didn’t hear her. “You know how Kyousuke was in that car accident, and everyone said he’d never play again? And then, suddenly…he got better?”

“It wasn’t really…it didn’t just happen on its own. You’re gonna think I’m crazy, but magic…miracles…those things exist.”

“Of course…” Hitomi started to say, then stopped herself. She needed to let her finish.

“But, what they don’t tell you is…you can’t just have them for free. To get miracles, you have to make a monster first.” She laughed, a hollow, dead sound that seemed completely wrong paired with Sayaka. “I became the monster, so I got my miracle.”

Hitomi felt a sharp spike stabbing through her chest. “Sayaka, you’re not a monster—”

“ _You don’t get to decide that_!” she snapped, standing up so fast she would have knocked her over if she’d been any closer. “When your soul is split from your body, what does that make you? Can you still say you’re human? Can you still say you’re _alive_? I was stupid and now I’m just a _walking, talking corpse!_ ” She grew increasingly frantic as she spoke, fumbling to pull a ring from her finger.

Hitomi watched as the ring began to glow and shift, growing larger and rounder until it was almost like a jeweled blue egg. Its glow faded to a soft glimmer. Yet as she looked at it, she could see areas where it had dimmed and blackened. Something about it seemed familiar, even as her mind struggled to process what she’d just seen.

But Sayaka continued on. “So it doesn’t matter if you liked Sayaka Miki, or if I want to like you!” Her voice cracked. “ _Because I’m already dead!_ This…this _thing_ is all that’s left of me! All the rest is just dead meat hanging on…” Tears were streaming down her cheeks as her voice faltered. “ _I’m a zombie_ …”

Hitomi sat there for a moment, blinking, trying to think of what she could say. How long had her friend been dealing with this? How could it have gotten so bad without her noticing? She didn’t understand. Trading miracles for monsters? The proof was right in front of her, but how did that egg make her a monster? The egg was her? She had to say something, or Sayaka might think she was rejecting her. But she’d already damaged so much by speaking what she didn’t understand.

She stood slowly, keeping her hands in front of her so she wouldn’t startle her. “Sayaka…” she started, wincing at the way her own voice cracked. She tried again. “Sayaka…I don’t understand what you mean. This…egg thing…is somehow part of you? I don’t understand how that makes you a monster, or how it made a miracle for you, but…” She felt her ears heating up as she placed one hand over Sayaka’s, and reached towards the egg with the other. She felt a flinch from her friend, and corrected herself to place her hand over her fingers, moving them towards it to convey her point. “I do know that if this is a part of you, then it’s beautiful.”

Her face crumpled at those words, and Hitomi was there to envelope her in her arms as she cried herself out, holding her through repetitions of “I don’t understand” and “I told you, but you don’t think…” She didn’t say anything during this time, just let her let it all out, holding on as if she could somehow protect her from everything she had said.

* * *

 

Sometime later, she and Sayaka had moved to sit on the bench again. She had gone quiet, but at least she wasn’t as listless as she had been when she had first arrived at Sumi’s. For awhile, she debated whether or not she should say anything. Ask if she was feeling better, perhaps? But then that might make her think she was supposed to be better and shut down if she wasn’t. Hitomi had never battled depression, but she was no stranger to stress and anxiety, and if they were at all similar…

But Sayaka spoke first. “Sorry,” she said, wiping her eyes. “I guess that was a lot to unload on you, huh?”

“It’s better than you suffering alone, though, isn’t it?” Hitomi reassured her. “Besides, I’m glad I could be there for you.”

“I guess…it’s just kinda weird,” she continued, staring at the egg in her hands. “This…thing…Soul Gem…I’ve had it for a few weeks now, but I didn’t know what actually happened until earlier this week.”

“I see…” This was still so strange to her. “So you agree to put your soul inside an egg—Soul…Gem?” she corrected herself. “And in exchange, some people make miracles happen?”

“Kinda like that. Well, a little bit.” Sayaka was staring off again, taking a breath to center herself. “When you make a contract, you get a wish. That’s where the miracles come from. And in exchange, this creature—I don’t know what it is—puts your soul inside a gem like this one. And you fight these things called witches. Heh…” she shifted her gaze down to her Soul Gem, still in her hand. “Become a monster, fight bigger monsters.”

“You’re not—” Hitomi started to say, but stopped herself. _Don’t shut down her concerns_ , she reminded herself. “What is a witch, and why do you have to fight it?”

Sayaka chewed her lip. “Remember that night when you wandered off into that one place? The doctors said it was a mass hallucination?”

Hitomi felt her breath hitch. She still woke up some nights and had to check to make sure she was still in her room. Everything she knew had said hallucinations couldn’t be shared. Yet that was what they told her. If she was hallucinating, it could happen again anytime.

Sayaka seemed to pick up on it. “Sorry, I couldn’t think of anything else. But what actually happened was you were being tricked by a witch. I don’t know why, but they live in these creepy abandoned zones and try to trick people into wandering in and dying. As a magical girl, I have to fight them so they can’t do that.”

This was all still so strange. She hadn’t been hallucinating? “So then that night, the reason we got out…” _was it you?_

Sayaka smiled, a sad, strange little smile. “Yeah, it was me.”

An image appeared in her mind of a lone Sayaka, struggling against a seemingly endless onslaught of monstrous beings with no form. “And they just send you out on your own?”

“Um…there are some others. But we don’t really get along.” Something darkened in her tone there. That was a whole other issue Hitomi wasn’t sure if she was ready to get into just yet.

“Madoka?”

She startled, shaking her head. “Huh uh. She’s not going to make a contract. It’s better if she’s not like this.”

Of course, if Sayaka thought the Soul Gem made her a monster, she wouldn’t want her friends to do the same. “Doesn’t someone have to teach you how to use it?”

Sayaka almost laughed. “Have you ever actually _seen_ a show where they teach you that?”

Hitomi didn’t watch a lot of anime, but apparently, training wasn’t part of the genre. “Oh.”

“You just…figure it out.” _Or you die_. “But the Soul Gem makes it easier. At least, that’s what he said. You can heal from anything if you don’t crack your Soul Gem.”

Hitomi almost reached to touch it, but stopped herself when she remembered her earlier reaction. “It looks fragile.”

Sayaka shrugged, like she had thought the same thing and didn’t quite know how it wasn’t.

“But…” Hitomi continued. “I still don’t understand how it makes you a monster. A lot of this…the witches and the magical girls and the…creature? I don’t really understand it. There’s probably a lot I’ll never fully understand. But I don’t think you’re a monster.”

“I’m inside a gem using my body as a puppet. How is that not a monster?” Her expression darkened once more, and Hitomi placed a hand over hers.

“But you’re still _you_. You’re still Sayaka Miki, even if you’re a little different now.” Sayaka smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. So she wasn’t quite ready to believe that yet. “Besides,” Hitomi started to grin herself, “I’m starting to find I like monster romances.”

Sayaka’s jaw dropped, positively scandalized, before she burst into laughter for what may have been the first time in weeks. Her laughter proved contagious, and before long, Hitomi had dissolved into giggles herself. They simmered down only to crack each other up again, until they had finally managed to calm down.

As she changed her Soul Gem back into its ring form, Sayaka spoke. “So it really doesn’t bother you, huh?” She fiddled with the ring a second longer than she needed to. _Inhale, exhale_. “I’m…I’m really not sure how I feel about this, about… _me_ …doing this. But…I’d like to try it…with you.”

Sayaka probably thought she had gotten extremely lucky, had some wild stroke of fortune that she wasn’t even sure was real, wouldn’t fade away into nothing as soon as she tried to touch it. But in the back of her mind, Hitomi knew, _she_ was the lucky one. She reached forward to pull her into a hug, turning her head just slightly to plant a kiss on her cheek as Sayaka’s hands reached up to wrap around her back. “Thank you, Sayaka.”

They knew at some point, they would have to head home. At some point, they would have to deal with the stresses and anxieties caused by the battle against the witches. Everything around them wouldn’t go away just because of one night’s talk. But that battle could wait. In that moment, they simply held each other, laughing and crying and simply _being_ together. And in that moment, it was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> HitoSaya actually started out as one of my crack ships. I had read some fan theories speculating (whether jokingly or serious) that Hitomi's reactions to Madoka and Sayaka's antics were because she herself was an armored closet lesbian, and at another point, I had half-jokingly speculated that Hitomi wasn't in love with Kyousuke, but Sayaka, and had come up with one of those convoluted middle school plans to get the girl. And then somewhere in there I started shipping them for real. 
> 
> Sumi's is something I made up simply because it suited what I wanted to do with the story I wanted to write.


End file.
